


To Suffer in Silence

by to_love_a_lightwood



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Past Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, The Author Regrets Everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2018-02-18
Packaged: 2019-03-20 19:47:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13724721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/to_love_a_lightwood/pseuds/to_love_a_lightwood
Summary: Alec keeps freezing up when things get heated with Magnus, and Magnus finds out why. Turns out, Alec had a much rougher childhood than Magnus could have imagined.Rated Explicit to be safe. Dark themes here, guys. Please heed the tags.





	To Suffer in Silence

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with manipulation, rape and child abuse, so read at your own risk. Not beta read, so all mistakes are mine.

   Magnus tugged on Alec's hair, trying to pull him closer to deepen the passionate kiss they were sharing. His boyfriend moaned in response as he explored Magnus's mouth, his tongue sliding against Magnus's bottom lip.

     This was all familiar territory. Though they had only been together for a month, Alec was certainly getting the hang of things. All of their dates had ended in some pretty steamy make-out sessions, if Magnus's centuries of experience had anything to say about it. It had taken a while for Alec to come out of his shell a bit, but once he warmed up to Magnus he was more than willing to kiss him like this. With both of their shirts on the floor and Magnus straddling Alec's lap on Magnus's couch, Magnus had to admit this was probably the best night he's had in years. Of course, every night he spends with Alexander feels that way.

     Alec's hands slid from their position on Magnus's waist to rest, a bit hesitantly, on his behind. Magnus broke out of his thoughts. This was pretty new. He had never initiated contact before without being told it was okay. Alec recovered from his momentary hesitation quickly, squeezing Magnus's ass.

     Magnus moaned against his boyfriend's mouth, moving his own hands to Alec's chest. As much as he was loving this, certain parts of him were getting far too into it for his liking. He didn't want to scare Alec away or make him feel like he had to do anything. He should probably put an end to this soon.

     But Lilith, he loved this. He supposed he could give himself another minute of bliss before stopping it. He allowed his hands to roam Alec's chest, starting up at his collarbones and going down over his shoulders before coming back to feel his muscled stomach. He felt Alec tense a bit and shiver under his touch. Yeah, Magnus should probably stop now.

     Magnus pushed gently on Alec's chest, signaling him to stop. He pulled back, trying not to notice how absolutely heavenly Alec looked right now. His lips were red and swollen, hair mussed from where Magnus had run his fingers through it. His jaw was clenched, however, and Magnus could practically see the tension in his shoulders. He didn't look Magnus in the eye. "I'm fine."

     Magnus sighed softly. "Alexander, it's okay."

     Alec was shaking his head, starting to wring his hands subconsciously. "No, it's not. I'm okay, I swear."

     Magnus didn't want to argue with him, but he knew he was lying. "Can you look at me please?" Alec refused, stubbornly staring at his lap. He was probably frustrated with Magnus for stopping him, and embarrassed that he was glad they had stopped. Gently, he said, "Alexander, please tell the truth. Was it Kristen?"

     Alec tensed up more at her name, holding back a flinch. He looked away from the two of them, over to the floor next to them. That was enough of an answer for Magnus. Magnus shifted back, climbing off of Alec to sit next to him. He put a hand on Alec's arm. "You have nothing to be ashamed of, Alexander."

     Alec's face contorted a bit at that. "You don't understand."

     "I won't try to pretend I understand what you're going through," Magnus told him. "You don't have to tell me anything you're not willing to. But if you want to, then I'll listen and try to help you."

     Alec shook his head, clenching his hands into fists. "I want to," he whispered. "Magnus, I want to tell you, but I- it's not..." He paused, frustratedly trying to word his sentence the way he wanted it. Magnus waited patiently, knowing sometimes his Shadowhunter had trouble saying what's on his mind. "It's bad, Magnus," Alec finally said. "It's not what you'd expect. You'd be disgusted with me."

     "Impossible." Magnus placed a hand on Alec's clenched fist, trying to relax him. "Alexander, I could never be disgusted by you."

     Alec finally looked at him. He didn't quite make eye contact, but he was looking at Magnus's face. "You will be."

     Magnus was worried. He knew he could never hate Alec for what had happened in his past, but the way Alec was describing it was making him nervous. What did that woman do to his poor boy? He knew she took advantage of him and did some awful things to him, but that was all he knew about her. Magnus looked him in the face. "Try me."

     Magnus could tell Alec was uneasy. He was quiet for a few moments, probably trying to organize his thoughts. After a few minutes, Alec started talking.

     "It- it started when I was nine..."

               *               *                *

     "Children?" Maryse said to Alec and Isabelle, entering the kitchen right as they were sitting down to eat the sandwiches Alec had made. A woman entered behind her, immediately drawing the attention of the two younger Lightwoods. She was short but thin, dainty looking until you noticed the muscles that lined her body. She had long golden hair and bright blue eyes, and looked to be about thirty years old. Alec had to admit, she was beautiful.

     Maryse looked between the woman and her children sternly, warning the kids to be polite. Even when she was eight months pregnant and slower than usual, their mother was still intimidating. "Children, this is Kristen Langdon from the Chicago Institute. She's here on business, so she's going to be our guest for a while. Kristen, this is my son, Alexander, and my daughter, Isabelle."

     Kristen smiled brightly at them, extending her hand to first Izzy, then Alec. "It's a pleasure to meet you." Looking at Alec, she cooed, "Oh, aren't you the sweetest little thing?"

     Alec scrunched his face up a bit. He was not little. This only seemed to make Kristen smile wider, and she pinched his cheek before retracting her hand. Maryse smiled down at her son before addressing him and Izzy. "I'm going to show Kristen to her room. Both of you, behave and help her around if she needs it. Do you understand?" Both Lightwoods nodded. "Excellent. Now, Kristen, you'll be staying in the west wing..." Maryse's voice faded as she led their guest away from the kitchen.

     Izzy took a thoughtful bite of her sandwich. "That was strange."

     Alec nodded. He didn't like how she kept calling him cute. He was nine years old. He stopped being cute a long time ago. "After lunch, do you want to go spar?" Alec asked Izzy.

     Izzy's eyes lit up. "Yes!" She may have been only seven years old, but she loved the thrill she got from training to be a Shadowhunter. Her and Alec ate their lunch with a renewed energy before cleaning up and racing off to the training room.

\-------------------------------------

     The first time Alec actually spoke to Kristen was the next day. He was in the library studying his runes when she walked up behind him, startling him. "Studying, Alexander?"

     Alec nodded, putting his book down open to the page he left off on. "Miss Langdon? You can call me Alec. Everyone else does."

     Kristen smiled down at him, ruffling his hair a bit. "Okay, but only if you call me Kristen."

     Alec was going to argue that his parents said calling an adult by their first name was disrespectful, but he paused. "Okay, Kristen." The name felt weird on his tongue, but speaking to her like an equal made him feel grown up.

     "Are you practicing runes?" She asked, eliciting another nod from Alec. Kristen sat down next to him in the chair, making him scoot away uncomfortably. The chair wasn't big enough for both of them, and his whole left side was pressed against her right. She showed him a rune on her right forearm. "Do you know what this one is?"

     Alec nodded, eager to show off his intelligence. After all, he studied hard every day to make sure he was good enough to make his parents proud. "Agility."

     Kristen beamed at him. "Excellent. What about this one?"

     Alec looked to her neck, seeing a small rune painted where she was pointing. "Angelic power."

     Kristen smirked. "Okay, that one was easy. Time for a hard one." She faced Alec in the chair, leaning forward and pulling the collar of her shirt down far. Alec immediately blushed and looked away. He could see all the way down her shirt, and her chest was embarrassingly close to his face. "What about this one, Alec?" She whispered, pointing to one on her left breast.

     Alec could feel his face turning as red as a tomato as he spared a quick glance at the rune. "Uh... Fortitude."

     Kristen smiled at him, but it wasn't as beautiful as before. There was something almost sinister in it, darkening her eyes and making her look dangerous. It passed in a second, Kristen leaning back and fixing her shirt like nothing happened. "You're really good at that," she complimented. "You're so smart."

     Alec was still blushing, but he smiled a bit at that. No one ever complimented him. "Thank you."

     Kristen cupped his cheek. "You're welcome. As fun as this was, I did have a purpose coming in here. I was exploring and got a little turned around. Can you help me find my room?"

     Alec nodded, a little excited that she trusted him so much. He called her by her first name and now he was showing her around. He felt proud of himself. He led Kristen to her room, where she smiled and thanked him. She pulled him into a tight hug, and Alec tried not to notice that his face was practically buried in her chest. He didn't want to embarrass her. After she went to her own room, Alec decided to go to bed as well.

\-------------------------------------

     From that day in the library, Kristen seemed to take a particular interest in Alec. She payed special attention to Alec when he was talking and encouraged him to do what he liked. "You've got something special, Alec," she told him once. "It's incredible. Don't let anyone forget it."

     Alec found he liked the attention. Normally everyone loved Izzy and ignored him. She was energetic and beautiful, where he was quiet and shy. Kristen actually wanted to be with Alec. She would help him study his demons and Latin, and when he did well she would beam at him and give him a big hug and tell him she was so, so proud of him. Sometimes she would watch him shoot arrows straight into a bullseye in the training room and she would ruffle his hair, saying he was such a good kid. Alec was not used to so much praise, but soon he found himself craving it, desperate to do whatever he could to make Kristen happy.

     Two weeks after Kristen had arrived, she found Alec training hard with his sword. He perked up instantly when she entered the room. "Hi, Alec," she grinned. "Mind if I join you?"

     Alec shook his head and watched her go to the wall to pick up a sword. Excitement burned in his veins. He couldn't wait to show her what he learned, anxious to impress her.

     The two sparred for a few moments. Kristen was better than Alec, her strength allowing her to lift the sword easier, but Alec was faster and was buzzing with adrenaline. He managed to block the first few blows she threw at him before returning some of his own. He suspected she was taking it easy on him, so he increased his intensity, desperate to prove himself.

     This sudden ferocity caught Kristen off guard, and Alec's sword sliced deep into her left hip. She grimaced and cried out, dropping her sword in pain. "Kristen!" Alec said in horror. "I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!"

     Kristen managed to laugh a little through the pain. "It was a mistake, Alec," she said. "It happens. Can you help me to my room?" Alec nodded, dropping his weapon and allowing her to sling her arm over his shoulders. With his help, she limped back to her bedroom, Alec apologizing the whole way.

     She closed and locked the door behind them before laying on her bed. "I think it went deep," she muttered. "You'll have to draw an iratze practically on top of it."

     Alec just nodded, his excitement over being able to draw a real rune on someone peeking through his guilt at injuring her. "Just tell me what to do."

     Kristen smiled at him. "You're always such a good boy, Alec. Here, help me get my leggings off."

     Alec blushed a little, but he complied. After all, it was his fault she was in this mess, and she was always helping him with everything. He owed her.

     Kristen sat up a bit in her underwear, propping herself up on the headboard. She pulled at the elastic a bit, hissing as the wound was bothered. "It's stuck in the wound," she explained. Her eyes darkened. "Can you take these off, too?"

     Alec hesitated. Wasn't this wrong? As if Kristen could sense why he was hesitating, she began speaking quietly to him. "Alec, I wasn't going to tell you this. I thought it would scare you."

     "I don't get scared," Alec lied, trying to seem tougher.

     Kristen smiled again. "Of course not. But I know you're hesitating because you think this is wrong. I want to tell you a secret, but you have to swear you won't tell anyone."

     "I swear," Alec said automatically.

     "Okay. The secret is... This isn't wrong, Alec. This is what adults do, but no one can talk about it. Do you understand so far?"

     Alec nodded. No one is allowed to talk about it, but adults do it.

     "Well, Alec, I don't think you're a kid. You're very mature. In fact, I think of you as an adult, which is why I'm asking you to do this. I know you understand the rules and that you can't say anything, so I want you to help me. Please, Alec. For me."

     It still felt wrong, but it kind of made sense. If people were unable to tell other about it, it made sense that it should feel special. Alec wasn't exactly sure what "it" was, but if Kristen was begging him like this, how could he say no? Maybe this was what being an adult felt like. Alec looked at her bright blue eyes and nodded. "Tell me how to help. I can handle it."

     Kristen smiled at him fondly. She pulled at her underwear again. "I know, Alec. You're a smart boy. Now, can you help me get these off?"

     Alec took a breath before pulling them down her legs, carefully avoiding looking at her. Kristen rolled over and got her stele off the nightstand before opening her legs and offering it to Alec. "Come here," she invited. He moved towards her, still not glancing up. Kristen gave him the stele and pointed to a spot near the gash on her hip. "Draw the iratze there."

     Alec carefully looked only at her hip and drew the iratze. It came out nearly perfectly, thanks to all the practice he had been doing.

     Kristen sighed as the gash began to heal, the pain fading with it. "Thank you Alec," she said, looking at him with dark eyes. "Are you ready for the grown-up part?"

     Alec shrugged. "You can look at me," she said gently, not allowing him to protest as she guides his face down to look at her. Alec was fascinated, but he was also horrified. Even though she had told him it was okay, he couldn't fight down the wrongness building up inside him.

     She grabbed his hand, pulling it towards the part of her Alec had not wanted to see. She gasped as he made contact, guiding his hand in strange motions that made her make strange sounds. "Just like that, Alec," she would say breathily, or she would move his hand and say, "Now right here... Oh God, yes."

     Alec fought the urge to gag. He wasn't sure what he was doing, or more accurately, what she was making him do. All he knew was it felt weird. Not just physically, but mentally. He trusted Kristen, but he was a little scared. He fought down the nausea building up inside him. He was helping Kristen, he reminded himself. She was trusting him with this secret. He had to prove he deserved to be trusted.

     Her voice had been getting higher and louder, so loud Alec was glad that there was no one else staying in the west wing, because they surely would have heard her. Finally, she was chanting his name and groaning and for a minute Alec worried she was in pain, but judging by the way she pulled him close to her afterwards, whispering words of praise and affection, she was fine.

     "Thank you, Alec," she said, smiling down at him. "I knew I could trust you. You're so good for me."

     Alec was feeling the wrongness still, but he brushed it off as he was flooded with love. Kristen was proud of him. Whatever it was he had done, he had done well.

\-------------------------------------

    The next day, Kristen was much more affectionate with him. She seemed to praise him that much more than usual, and made sure to tell his mother how well he was doing in his studies. Alec started to think it was because of what he did last night. He didn't like it, but he enjoyed the attention. He liked feeling like he was worth something.

     That night, Kristen came into his bedroom and drew a soundless rune on the locked door. "Kristen?" Alec asked, now wide awake.

     Kristen smiled at him in the witch light-illuminated room. "Hey, Alec," she said. "Are you ready?"

     Alec wasn't particularly enthusiastic about doing THAT again, but he nodded anyways. "I think I remember what to do."

     Kristen smiled at him again. "Actually, Alec, I wanted to do another thing. The same rules apply."

     Alec was a bit nervous, but he nodded. Anything to make her proud of him. "I can't say anything. I understand."

     Kristen set the witch light down on his nightstand and climbed on him, her legs on either side of his. She slid his shirt off, which made Alec try to cover his chest a little. She grabbed his arms and gently placed them on her shirt. "Take it off," she whispered. Alec did, hands shaking a bit as he averted his eyes once more, trying not to look at her bra. Kristen slid her hands behind her back and before Alec knew it she was completely shirtless in front of him. She guided his hands to rub at her breasts, making odd noises as he did something she liked. She trained his hands what to do, eventually letting go and letting him do it himself.

     After a minute or so of that, he felt her hands trail down his chest and to his pajama pants. She eased her hand in, going under his underwear too. "I'll make you feel so good," she whispered, touching him. Alec felt wrong again, but with her whispering "You're so good for me, Alec," and "You're such a good boy," he let her do it. She was right-it did feel okay. He could feel himself getting harder, which was totally unfamiliar to him, but Kristen seemed to know what was happening and he trusted her. Finally, she stopped and crawled off of him, laying on the bed and removing her remaining clothes. "Come here, baby," she said.

     Alec didn't like that new thing, either. It tasted awful and his jaw hurt but Kristen really liked it. He hoped she would be extra nice to him tomorrow.

     When it was over, and all of their clothes were back on, Kristen hugged him tight. She spent the next ten minutes whispering things into his ear, how she loved him and he made her feel good and just how incredible he was. Although he didn't particularly like what he did, he decided it was worth it if she loved him this much for it.

\-------------------------------------

     The next month went on like that, Kristen coming to Alec's room and exploring each other with hands, mouths, and eventually other parts, as Alec had recently learned. Kristen adored him, and even when Alec's younger brother Max was born and everyone was worried about the baby, Kristen always made sure Alec felt loved as well.

     Jace was adopted, and everyone in the Institute was fascinated by the new golden boy, talented beyond belief. Kristen, however, told Alec that he was better to her and that she loved him more than Jace. Alec and Jace quickly became close friends, but Kristen always told Alec she loved him more than anyone else did.

   The longer Jace stayed with the Lightwoods, the more Alec noticed he was different. Jace talked about girls all the time, but Alec found himself attracted to Jace. Alec didn't find Kristen attractive like the way she told him he was all the time. It got more difficult to pretend he liked the things they were doing, despite how good Kristen was at making him feel nice.

     When Alec got his first mark, Kristen had been so proud of him her praise had surpassed that of his parents. Alec should have been used to it by now. He knew his parents were happy for him, but Kristen was so much more affectionate than they were.

     The days blurred into years, not much changing between Alec and Kristen until Alec was thirteen. He remembered being in her room with her, preparing for the night's events when she stopped suddenly, surveying his body. She noticed some... changes that Alec was going through, and she got a bit frustrated once the shock wore off. "By the Angel, okay," she had whispered, mostly to herself. "Alec, do you know what a condom is?" Alec had certainly learned, as he had had to use one every time from that night on, though he never asked why.

     After Kristen found out, she didn't see him as frequently anymore. It went from several times a week to once, if that. She still treated him the same, even if it was more difficult for him to get hard around her, but her mind seemed to have shifted. Sometimes, after they were done and he would lie with her, she would seem closed off. She still showered him with affection, but occasionally she would get a far-off look in her eyes, and Alec would know she was thinking hard about something.

     He had freaked out the first time something came out of him when he came. It wasn't much, just a small white dribble, but Alec had not known what it was. What they did also felt a lot better than usual, although only physically. Kristen gave him an understanding smile and told him it was normal, which was enough for him.

     Soon after that, Robert had decided to give his son "the talk." While Alec had stuttered and blushed the whole time, it did clear some things up for him. He still didn't understand all of it, like how his father could talk to him about it if no one was supposed to do so, but he wasn't clueless anymore.

     One night, after a failed mission when he was fourteen, Alec was drained. His mother had yelled at him for nearly half an hour-after all, how hard was it to find one demon and kill it? Alec felt horrible, and without thinking he found himself outside Kristen's door. She was surprised-after all, in five years he had never gone to her, she had always come to him-but after she saw the sadness in his eyes and his slumped posture, she had held him. They had sex slowly that night. It wasn't quite love making, but it's not like Alec would know the difference.

     After that first time, Alec found himself going to her when he needed comfort. While he didn't necessarily enjoy it (and in the five years they'd been at it so far, he'd never quite been able to banish that feeling that it was wrong), he found he needed her soothing words afterward like he needed air. It was a steady reassurance that someone, even if she was not related to him, was proud of him. She believed in him like no one else ever had.

\-------------------------------------

     When Alec was fifteen, everything changed. Kristen's face had twisted in pain one night when she went to leave. "I... I care about you, Alec. You know that, don't you?"

     "Of course," he had responded immediately. He didn't have to think about it at all. It was a fact.

     She smiled, but managed to look even more heartbroken than before. "You've always been so good, Alec." She left him in his room then, alone and wondering what was wrong with her.

     The next time they were together, Kristen acted as though nothing had happened. She showered him with attention, like she had done when he was young. When she left that night, Alec was reminded of how things between them used to be. They were less distant then.

     The time after that, though, was a whole different story. Alec had noticed that she was shaking a bit, despite the fact that she was more passionate that night than ever before. When they were done, he asked if she was okay. The last thing he expected was for Kristen to break down sobbing in his bed. Confused, he had stroked her hair and whispered that everything was okay until she could speak to him, her voice broken up by tearful hiccups.

     "I'm so- so sorry, Alec. I'm sorry, I'm so sor-ry... This is all m-my fault, I... I shouldn't have let this get so out of h-hand..." She continued apologizing and making generally no sense until Alec had calmed her down a bit. She didn't look at him, leaving without saying a single thing to him. He felt empty.

     Kristen approached him in the training room the next day, a fake smile plastered on her face. "Alec? I was hoping we could talk."

     Alec immediately set his bow down and followed her outside. She walked with him in silence, leading him through the streets of New York until they reached Central Park. The two sat down on a bench, out of earshot of all the mundanes there.

     Although Alec had about a hundred questions, he sat quietly and waited for her to gather her thoughts. Finally, she spoke softly. "Alec, I need to tell you something. It's- it's going to be hard for you to understand, but... I need you to listen."

     Alec nodded, placing a hand on hers. "I'm here."

     Alarmingly, Kristen's eyes filled with tears. She took her hand from Alec's to wipe them away. "I know. You've always been so good for me." She glanced around, making sure no one was listening, before staring at a woman pushing her young daughter on a swing set. "Alec... I lied to you. Do you remember the first time we did anything?"

     Alec thought back, nodding when the memory resurfaced. "I was nine."

     Kristen let out a harsh sob at that. "You were so young. Remember how I said that what we were doing was an adult thing? How no one could know?" Alec nodded again. Kristen sucked in a shaky breath. "Well... It is an adult thing. Children aren't supposed to do it, because it's wrong. It's supposed to be between two adults, and an adult forcing a child into it... It's a crime, Alec, one of the worst ones there is. That's why you couldn't tell anyone, because it's illegal."

     Alec felt like the ground had come out from under him and he was falling. He felt the blood rushing in his ears. "I'm sorry, Alec," she said. "That should never have happened to you. If I could take it back-"

     "Why?" Alec asked quietly. "If you knew it was wrong, then why did you do it?"

     Kristen's voice was remorseful. "I'm a sick person, Alec. I think there's something wrong with me. I didn't realize it until you hit puberty, but it just made me think about what was happening and how far it had gone and how wrong it was that you didn't even know what was happening was not normal-"

     Alec interrupted her again. "Why me?"

     She reached out like she wanted to touch him but apparently thought better of it, letting her hand fall to the side. "I don't think you want to know," she started, but Alec cut her off, anger in his voice.

     "I do want to know. Jace was always the golden child. Everyone loved him. I want to know... I need to know why you didn't. Why you went for me instead."

     Kristen's voice was full of self-hatred. "You were quiet. I figured no one would find out cause you didn't talk much anyways. You flew under the radar, so I thought..." She hesitated, casting him a nervous glance. "I thought no one would notice you if you were acting strange."

     "You mean no one noticed me before, so no one would notice if I were being abused." Alec's voice was surprisingly steady, considering he felt like the world was spinning too fast. "That's what it is, isn't it? It was abuse."

     Kristen sobbed, a tear sliding down her cheek. "Alec-"

     He cut her off, giving her a cold stare. "Why are you telling me this?"

     Kristen looked at her hands, clasped so tightly in her lap the knuckles were white. "I... I hate myself. I hate what I did, I hate what it could do to you. I just couldn't take it anymore, Alec. You had no idea what we were doing was wrong. I'd stolen your innocence without you even knowing what was going on or that it was wrong... I can't do this anymore. I'm going to tell your parents what I did."

     Alec was slightly alarmed. "What?"

     Kristen tried to look sympathetic, but the guilt overpowered everything. "I don't care what happens to me. Let the Clave do whatever they want. The point is, I'm done. I want to tell your family-"

     "But-"

     "They'll be able to help you process everything-"

     "No-"

     "They deserve to know, Alec," she said. "It went on in their home. I defiled their son for six years without their knowledge. You're going to be emotional after this, and they can help you by supporting you. And if they want to cut my Marks off and burn me alive, I'll understand. I deserve that."

     "No." Alec surprised himself, having no idea where this protectiveness was coming from. "I won't let them. It's not all your fault, it's half mine too. I wanted it almost as much as you did. I'll tell them that."

     Kristen was shaking her head. "I've always admired your desire to protect others, Alec, but I can't let you do that. I have to tell them the truth."

     "The truth is I wanted it," Alec stubbornly argued. "I won't let you do this alone. We'll tell them together."

     Tears were flowing more freely down her cheeks, but she managed to give a half smile. Her blonde hair was blowing in all directions, her blue eyes dark and watery. Alec remembered the first time he saw her. He was taken aback by how beautiful this woman was, the woman who seemed to only pay attention to him. Now, she was a shell of who she had been. She was no longer stunning or strong or captivating. She looked pitiful. "Thank you, Alec."

     Alec looked to the mundane woman who had been pushing her daughter on the swing, but she was nowhere in sight. Silently, he stood up and walked with Kristen back to the Institute.

               *               *               *

     "How did Maryse and Robert take it?" Magnus asked, speaking for the first time in what felt like hours.

     Alec flinched a bit, seeming to be yanked back from his memories by the sound of Magnus's voice. He shrugged. "As expected, I guess. They were furious with her, ashamed for me... They didn't believe me when I said I wanted it too."

     A thought took Magnus by surprise. He hesitated, choosing his next words carefully. "Alexander... Do you still believe you wanted it?"

     There was obvious pain in Alec's eyes. "I don't know. Everyone says it's not my fault, but at the end, it was me who came to her. I remember what it was like... She would tell me things, say I was good, and I trusted her. I wanted it. I wanted to be with her, I wanted to feel like I was worth something-"

     "Alexander," Magnus interrupted gently. "She didn't get arrested for telling you nice things. She got arrested for taking advantage of you."

     "But Magnus-"

     "Did you enjoy the sex?"

     Alec's mouth gaped open, jaw flexing like a fish out of water. "What?"

     "You heard me, Alexander. When you two were together and in bed and actively engaging in sexual activities, did you want that?"

     Alec let out a pained noise. "I- no."

     "Then it wasn't sex. Sex is a fun, consensual activity for two people to engage in. If it was nonconsensual, then you shouldn't call it sex. I don't want you to associate memories of her with sex."

     "I can't help it," Alec said, grimacing slightly again. "I want to have sex with you Magnus, I really do, but it's like I'm back there, with her. Like, if I start to get into it my brain goes on autopilot. I start to think about the things she liked and then I'd think about how I'm just as bad as she was, because I didn't stop her-"

     Magnus cut him off gently. "Alec, you can't blame yourself-"

     "I do, though!" He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "It felt wrong every time, but I never stopped her. When I got stronger than her, I could have stopped her, but instead I came crawling to her doorstep literally begging her to do it. She was sick for doing it and for lying to me for so long, but I never did a thing to end it. I'm as bad as she is."

     "Alexander, look at me." Magnus waited for Alec's eyes to meet his. "She lied to you. She convinced you what you were doing was the right thing. Nobody blames you for doing it except yourself. No one is disgusted with you or ashamed because of what happened. You didn't deserve to be taken advantage of, and everyone you love knows that what happened was not your fault. We only wish you could see it."

     Alec was silent for a moment, staring at Magnus with a pained expression. Finally, he let out a sort of choked exhale- a sob, Magnus realized. The younger boy leaned into Magnus and buried his head on his shoulder, continuing to sob although he did not cry. Magnus held him as his body shook, realizing for the first time in years that the abuse he had suffered was not his fault. From that moment on, Magnus vowed to protect the boy in his arms. He would never let him go.

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, that was a rough one, both to write and read. I apologize for making Alec suffer so much. Hope you guys enjoyed the story! Please leave kudos or a comment to make an author's day!


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